Reflections that Drive Us
by Embrathiel
Summary: Cognition is a potent machine; a process that, in the right hands, allows us to achieve wonders. To Hermione, thought and language are works of art she can use to her benefit. Therefore she turns to writing a journal when she realizes the greatest error she has ever made in marrying Ron. Can she achieve her desire in bringing Harry closer to her? Post DH, No bashing. M for language
1. Entry 1

Reflections that Drive Us

By

Embrathiel

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

A/N: This will be written as if Hermione were literally adding to a journal. Therefore potentially daily posts. As the minimum word count requirement is 1K however, if she writes an entry shorter than that, I will have to combine multiple, extending the publishing date. This takes in to account DH except the epilogue.

**RTDU**

Entry 1: 8th July, 1999

How are we to truly appreciate the gift of learning when it's blessing falls upon us so late? How am I supposed to even begin to understand where to go from here, when all I thought I knew has been shown to me as muddied and impure. Why, oh why, did I learn so slowly.

It is hardly fair to acknowledge these realizations on the very night I lay in bed with my new husband. On the night when passion should be flowing and I, hoping for the gift of my first child. Fortunately, or brought by curse, the realization I came to while readying for bed, caused convulsions in my abdomen and I became unable to engage in any sort of intimate activity. Blessedly, Ron was able to see that this was no intention of mine, and he was satisfied with the idea of waking me in the morning with the need that I know has been driving him mad for so long.

If only I could reciprocate his feelings.

I did not doubt when I squealed with glee at our engagement. I did not question when the words came to my lips and I answered with my portion of the vows.

It was the unsuspecting thought of Ronald planting his seed within me that caused my body to react as I now realize that my mind should have, so long ago. Oh regret, you are a cursed presence.

In near comical reversal, the snores that so oft keep me awake through the night, now provide me with a rhythm, a motion, for my writing. A journal, or diary, such as it may ultimately be; the concept of which has never truly sat well in my heart. I have always seen them as frivolous or immature means of having to recognize one's own emotions. Now though I realize that this is not that. This, this is speaking with myself, with these pages, with this ink, when there is no one else to share with. As is typical of me however, I am not actually addressing what I have learned. It is not as though anyone could read these pages anyway, thanks to the spell work, but still, some part of me knows that if I write it down, there is no denying it.

When Ronald proposed, I accepted. I imagined us living together, having finally worked out our issues and no longer arguing all the time. I imagined us going to Australia to look for my parents; finding them and seeing how well he fit in with the family. I was able to see Ronald in my life.

I spoke my vows today and saw the rings on our fingers with no question; our futures intertwined.

But when he talked of children, while we made our way in to the bedroom, my thoughts betrayed me. The thoughts I have held dear for so long. The thoughts, the mind that has allowed me to achieve the highest grades in school. The mind that allowed me to keep up with the boys and if anything overcome them when it came to magical power thanks to the esoteric knowledge I forced in my head. The mind that I have been able to trust for as long as I can remember.

Ronald mentioned children, and I saw just that. I saw a child with chocolate eyes and a quaffle in their hands, celebrating their scholarly achievements.

But of course, something was wrong.

That child with chocolate eyes, my father's chin and the curls of myself and my mother, had hair as black as a raven's plumage.

And I knew what I had done wrong.

I know now that I have been an idealistic child. I know now that it doesn't matter how well you fight a war; it doesn't matter how much knowledge you cram in to your mind; it doesn't matter how much you must mature through the trials of a war. When it comes to the matters of the heart, we are all still flailing children.

God how I wish mum and daddy were here. If only they hadn't disappeared after getting to Australia.

I miss them so.

And now I don't know what to do.

I transposed the solidity. I transposed the comfort. I transposed the trust, the peace, the innate ease. I transposed everything good and pure about my friendship, relationship, connection, whatever, with Harry, and put it where my feelings about Ronald were. I convinced myself that he could be just the same. He could provide me with those same feelings. Ronald could make me feel the same, so secure, so safe, so happy, so loved, so, understood. Harry never talked down to me. He never treated me like some future housewife.

He never treated me like he was settling for me.

He never treated me like Ronald does.

And so I took all of that good, and made myself believe I could have that with Ronald, given enough time. But whether that image that I still can't remove from my inner eye was prophecy or desire, I know one truth now.

It isn't Ron that I love. It isn't Ron that I feel such closeness to. It isn't the man who stood holding my hands at the altar, it was the one behind him, smiling as he held out the rings.

It wasn't the man who slid his hands beneath my gown and made my body respond with eagerness, before the wave of nausea ripped through me; it was the one who held me close even when my embraces were too strong.

I love not the man who chides me for my ramblings and drinks alcohol to allow himself to tolerate the words that come out of my mouth. It is instead the one who listens even when he doesn't understand, and asks questions until he does.

I do not love the man who makes me giddy with excitement when he overcomes his insecurities and blocks the goal, winning the game. The man I love makes me frustrated with passion as I worry for his safety as he tears through the skies like a bird of prey.

I do not feel love for the one who chose a nickname for me that makes me grimace. I love the one who calls me Mione, and who's lips quirk upwards ever so slightly when the word passes past them.

It is not the man who buys me dinner, exalting in the gold he can spend, that I burn with desire for. It is instead the one who teases me, determining that we must decide who shall pay by seeing who can remember a sequence of friendly dialogue from our past most accurately without the use of a pensieve.

I love the one who knows how to apologize, not the one who lives with jealousy as his core.

I love the one who was emotionally broken as a child and yet somehow displayed love and caring without fail, not the one who was coddled and chooses when to share such feelings.

I love Harry, not Ronald.

I love Harry, not Ronald.

I do not love Ron. I love Harry.

I love Harry.

I love Harry.

God why couldn't I realize this sooner, even by a few hours?

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I've just married the man I have been convincing myself was my soulmate. He isn't. Oh god he isn't. But poor Ronald. He isn't bad by any means. It's just that he isn't the man I have been in love with.

And if I am being honest with myself, which I may as well be, considering this particular medium, I am not in any way equipped to handle this situation. I am well aware of the variety of options currently available, but knowing which to address is far beyond my understanding of these things. How is a woman of 19 supposed to know how to handle this. God I'm so young. So stupid. I should have seen this. Maybe if I, we, hadn't been so distracted by trying to rebuild the Ministry, I might have been able to figure it out. If that hadn't been so important, and we had had more time to search for my parents, I would have them with me now. Mum would know what to say and daddy would be happy just threatening whichever one I ultimately picked.

Well that's something to note. I phrased it as if I have to choose. Is that really how I see this going?

Ronald I'm so sorry. You don't deserve me doing this to us. I feel awful, but is it better to try and force a mistake to work or is it more right to fix it and start anew?

I wish I were religious, I could use a prayer.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Thank you for reading and please review.

Elise


	2. Entry 2

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 2: 9th July, 1999

Ok, so now I am not only questioning my decision making abilities, but also my morality. I haven't said anything to anyone obviously, but I feel terrible. Is it wrong to still enjoy the sex? Is it wrong to want such physical things even if it is with someone whom I now realize I don't want to be bonded with for the rest of my life? Or perhaps wanting doesn't matter in this case. I married him. I married Ronald of my own volition and I shouldn't break that vow.

I have to say, he was rather decent about things when I asked him if it was alright if we don't have children right away. I thought he'd be furious, but instead he just nodded and said it was up to me. That, honestly, made my head hurt because it is very rare that he is so, accepting of things that do not directly align with his initial interests. Now that I have come to this conclusion and have begun writing it down, I am certain that things will be different between us, if only just to spite me. The world does seem to enjoy doing so.

I need to be organized about this. I need to get my thoughts together in a way that will allow me to tackle this in a more academic stream. I feel like that is the only way I am going to be able to wrap my head around this in any cohesive manner.

My first goal has to be to find my parents. I am married to Ronald, but I have to take care of my parents. I need to find them. Unfortunately when I traveled to Australia to search for them, their trail ran cold after arriving. This is of course what happens when you wipe the memories of your parents and send them off without a chaperone. Damn it! But I've cried enough about this I don't need to be doing that now. I do of course worry that I may never be able to find them again. Maybe something bad happened to them. I hope not. God I hope not.

Next I suppose I should determine exactly what my options are. If I don't lay them out I am just going to swirl them about in my head like Harry says I do before exams. Observant prat.

Option 1 is of course to push through and fight against myself to make this work. This is the most "right" thing to do as far as the grand scale of things goes. By that I suppose I mean that as far as everyone around us is concerned. Though that may be foolish to think. If I end up miserable is that not worse than doing what I must? I do not know if I could ever love Ronald like I know now I do Harry, but I do know my mind. I have the potential to do what I must and I know I could convince myself I am happy, even without the love ingredient. For the greater good, as Dumbledore would say. Do I push through and try to love him and try to forget about how I feel for Harry?

Option 2 is to be open with Ronald and tell him how I feel. I think that it would either end up in the first option or a third. Either way it isn't a very likely one to end up with happiness. Considering his jealousy struggles, this might break him and I don't foresee him ever getting past it even if we stay together.

Option 3 is to tell him and Harry, and, if Harry and Ron were both amenable, we take care of this amicably. I don't like this option, for obvious reasons.

Option 4 is I leave all of them behind and go for being a spinster because why ruin all friendships right? Yeah, no. I deserve good things once and a while too.

Option 5. I leave Ron and hope that Harry is either in a similar mind set, or is open to considering. The primary issue with this is his current relationship with Ginny. I don't want to hurt anyone. It would be selfish to approach any of these but the first option, and yet, should I risk being miserable just for everyone else's peace of mind?

The last is of course the one I truly want the most. But again, wanting isn't necessarily the right thing to do. So much to consider.

Harry is, after all, dating Ginny. From what he has confided in me I know he is hesitant to lock this thing down since he is worried about his ability to be a good husband and father. I've been trying to explain that he already is and that they are clearly happy together, but he is really hung up on this. Curse the Dursleys. Ginny and I aren't as close as we used to be in school. Personally I think this is because we just aren't really all that similar and we only spent time together at Hogwarts because there were so few people available to us. Oh we get along alright, but there isn't much beyond basic familial appreciation. The evil part of me wants to hate her for being with Harry, but obviously that side isn't all that logical.

I know that if I were religious then this entire thing would be void as I could never go through with any of the above options save the first, and in a way I wish I were. If only for the simple and sweet validation of knowing exactly what to do without deliberation. I am not however and so I am left to struggle with making my own decisions about morality. For once I am jealous of those who hold faith for the unknown. Blissful escape from these thoughts would be incredible right now.

Next, I need to find out how Harry feels about me. Yes this only matters based upon certain options, but either way I think it might help to see if I can find out somehow. If he isn't interested in any way then it would make this loads easier. As to how I am supposed to go about this, I have no clue. I'm terrified more than anything when it comes down to it.

Also, though I am not exactly sure how I feel about it, I should consider therapy. I know I don't have any mental illnesses or anything but having someone to talk to could possibly help and provide clarity and perspective. I am worried about telling someone else about all of these concerns, but still, all options should be considered in this situation.

This is not a goal, but it is still important. Under no circumstances am I to resort to alcohol as a nullifier to my emotions. That would be the worst thing I could do in this situation.

Maybe it should be a goal though. If I specifically allow a certain amount each week then it will be easier to stick to and determine if it is or could become a problem. Yes, that is the best thing for it. Might as well.

I know what I want and that is Harry. Is it right to want this? Of that I am unsure. Is it wrong to break apart the bonds we have all made together just to get what I want? Probably. How does someone even begin to determine this.

Either way, for now and until I know what I am doing, I am going to continue with birth control. Based on his reaction today, and if it continues as such, Ronald doesn't have a problem with it. The last thing I would want to do is bring a child in to this world unless I am damn certain that I can provide a safe, loving, and stable environment for them. Those are all required and none of them shall be loosened. I have to have some things I cling to after all. Even when so much is unstable right now, I need to have a security blanket of determinations that hold me steady.

Ultimately, I would like to write in this journal every day. I think I would like to just call it a journal rather than a diary. While it is just as personal as one would expect for a diary, I just prefer the word journal and the connotations that come along with it. Daily writing won't be guaranteed, but I can try at least can't I? Also, I was not going to add the dates in initially, but considering I think it would be best. If only to manage them and make sure I can properly refer back to things in the future. I'll go back and insert the date for yesterday just to maintain continuity.

Considering how all of these things make me feel, I am excited for our honeymoon next week. We will be leaving in a couple of days on Sunday for the states. We talked about this for a while and decided that neither of us wants to just lay around doing nothing. So we settled on touring the east coast of the states. Ronald wants to scope out the quidditch teams there and see how they stack up to our own, and I of curse can't wait to see all of the history. Even though it is such a young country, there is so much history there. And best of all, most of it is preserved. Oh it is going to be incredible! I'll try not to bore him too much but he did agree to it, and he agreed not to torment me with quidditch. At least I can bring a book to the matches, though on second, more like dozenth thought, I really shouldn't. I should actually try to enjoy it for him, just like he will with my interests. Even if I choose a different option, I am going to try my hardest to make this work, he deserves that from me.

For now,

Friendship, Bravery and love.


	3. Entry 3

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling

**RTDU**

Entry 3: 10th July, 1999

We leave in the morning. I am so glad to have a week off of work for once. I shouldn't say that. I did take a few days back in July last year to try and find my parents, but since then I just haven't had the time. I have plenty of days I can take, I just need to get my work done. It's been so busy in the ministry and even though Kingsly says he can spare me so I can find my parents, I just don't believe him somehow. Being the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister makes sure I see all of the chaos and I have always had the problem of not letting go well. It doesn't help that I've been trying to bring a positive vision of this job to the public, considering the troll who held it before me. I feel awful about not trying harder right now, but Luna told me that they are safe and that I should go when the time is right, not before. How she knows whether or not they are okay is known only to her, but she is almost never wrong, so I have let it be.

Ron is glad to have the time as well since he's been essentially working double. He does enjoy working at WWW, but since he's also been training in hopes of getting chosen for a team, the poor man is exhausted. I've never seen him work so hard, and it is rather nice to see. I didn't think he'd ever be able to push himself so much, but he is motivated for once, and I'm happy for him. Trouble is, I'm happy for him like in the sense of seeing him grow up and finally apply himself. Not in the sense of my love having a major life moment and taking hold of it. Damn it!

Am I countering every good thing about him with a negative or is this just how I have always seen him? I would consider reliving my memories but I don't think that a third person perspective would help in any way. I remember them well enough and viewing the past through the filter of the present won't change what happened. I don't want to intentionally or unconsciously influence myself against Ronald. Again, he doesn't deserve that. I may not love him like I thought I did, but at the least he has earned my respect. The best thing I can do for that is to try my best to accept what we have while working toward other goals. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong about that perspective, but then again, this is probably the most morally difficult situation I have ever been in.

Before now everything was so clear. Fighting the war against Voldemort wasn't all that hard to see as just. When the only enemy is yourself, well, it is understandably less transparent.

Having said that, in a way keeping a secret journal about these things feels like I am lying. Technically it is, but it is no different than talking to a therapist. And now I am questioning the polarity of every action I take. I am either overreacting or taking the most accurate approach to ensure I do not go astray and destroy all that I love.

This volume has as I mentioned earlier been infused with spells to keep it from being read by Ronald. I can hide it just fine during the day but I am sure that he will see me writing in it eventually. Whether or not…

Alright, I have to admit I spaced out for a minute there and have no idea what I was going to say. Well, I did after all decide I wasn't going to erase anything I write. Add perhaps, but I will not pretend perfection.

Anyway, Ronald is eventually going to see me writing in this journal, so I will have to answer at least some questions about it. Either way I will be lying by omission or straight up fibbing. I don't like it, but again, until I decide what to tell him, I need secrecy. Should I really be feeling so badly about this or is that just the guilt?

Anyway, the point is that I attuned this book to my magical signature to make sure that I am the only one who can read it. There were other ways to do it, but less likely to work and much more complicated. As it is, this was difficult enough since magical signatures are so specific. I had to make sure that it responds only to my energy and then I had to make it only respond to my energy when I am in contact with it. I nearly made it only show words whenever I am within range of it which wouldn't help me at all. Oh yes someone could read it, only as long as I am there to watch in horror. No thanks.

Basically I designed it so that the ink is entirely transparent unless I am touching the book, at which point the light will no longer be able to pass through it and will instead reflect off of it, showing the words. Others usually hide the words with magic, but I figured people would be less likely to consider the possibility of using light as the protector. True invisible ink. This will be especially important this week since bringing anything out of the ordinary is going to be a bit more obvious.

I did manage to go shopping today and pick up some lingerie that may peak his interest and a perfume that will hopefully interact well with my pheromones. Not that he needs anything to help with his sex drive, but I'm going to try in whatever ways I can to help us along. I can't start overcompensating though.

Anyway, off to bed. Our flight leaves bright and early.

For now,

Friendship, Bravery, and love.

Okay, apparently sleep chooses to elude me this evening. I was going to read, but something told me to just keep writing. I do enjoy it, something about the creation and manipulation of words. As much as I love reading, writing is its own pleasure. I can tell that my verbiage changes depending on what I am writing about. Whether or not that is a result of topic word allowance or my mood affecting what words I generate, I know not. The more existential the topic, the more pros seems to appear. It is at least a curiosity to note.

Perhaps while I am writing for the sake of writing for something to do, I should write down some other thoughts. Ronald, Harry and I do get together on a frequent enough basis, at least once every other week. Harry and I though have lunch together every day since we both work in the Ministry. I've considered it as maybe being too much since Ginny mentioned it to me as a concern for her, but Harry said to not worry about it. He, surprisingly, went for being in the Wizengamot and splitting his time between that and spell research. Who would have thought he would have a knack for politics and arithmancy. I think we all thought he was going to be an Auror, but he said he is tired of the actual fighting. So we get to talk about spell theory and politics during our lunches and honestly, even that is enough for me. It isn't romantic or anything, and it isn't purely academic. We just, understand one another. The hour we have for lunch is fun and relaxing and, oh it's just so wonderful. Whenever one of us is out sick or too busy to meet, it isn't the same. It is the best part of the day.

As I said, Ginny asked me if anything was going on when Harry mentioned we kept having lunch together. It caught me by surprise that she would even ask that so directly. I of course told her no. Honestly though, it is true. Yes I love him, but those lunches aren't even about that. Harry is my closest friend. If Ginny and I were that close I would do the same. In this case it isn't the person, it is the mind. I love talking to him and we love learning from one another. He really does like to think more than he used to imply. I still destroy him in philosophical debates, but he likes to pretend he is wise and get all existential on me. As if. Poor thing doesn't stand a chance. He'll have to read loads more to catch up in that area.

I think that part of the reason Ginny was worried is because she was at Hogwarts for the last year while we all began our careers. She was separated from us in a way and so I can understand why she might have felt that way. Ah well, nothing for it now I suppose.

Alright, I really do need to get to sleep now. It is getting really late and I have no interest in sleeping on the flight, I don't trust the things enough to relax that much.

Again for now and hopefully the last time tonight,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	4. Entries 4-5

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling

**RTDU**

Entry 4: 11th July, 1999

I love England, but there is just something about Boston.

If I could properly put it in to words I would. There is just, an emotion to it. The city feels, it knows. A mix between breathtakingly old and modern, it holds to that which gives it soul and revels in what makes it new. I don't even live here and yet it feels like coming home. Flying in over the sea and coming in to land amidst the tall buildings and elevated highways, even Ron was impressed. It might be the first thing we have felt similarly on in a while. Boston is.

Honestly, we have only just arrived and yet I could live here were circumstances different….

**RTDU**

Entry 5: 12th July, 1999

Yeah, so, I have a sleeping problem. It happens frequently enough where I wake up during the night and either can't sleep for a couple of hours, or just can't get back to sleep no matter what. In this case I both fell asleep while writing and woke up around one in the morning. I blame the travel and excitement. Maybe the sex too.

Whatever. The point is that I'm awake now for better or worse so I might as well continue since I am not sure how detailed my writings are going to be this week because of the sleep schedule and all that.

Anyway, I think what I was trying to say that Boston feels like home, similar to London, but in the long-awaited home sense. It is strange to feel that way but then again it may be the sense of novelty. I've traveled enough with my parents to know that I don't feel this with every city, but maybe it is because of the marriage?

When I was young and still afraid of the dark, I would always get chills and feel presences around me. I hated being awake in the middle of the night; the power of suggestion being too potent for my mind to manage at the time. Now, after having these regular visits to the waking world during the hours that terrify a greater portion of the population, I have developed a respect for the absence of light. Curiously we have adapted to being afraid of the hours when few photons fly about us, as if their absence means we are unsafe and subject to the terrors of unseen presences and intents. I have struggled with this for some time and even though I have a light with me now while I write, I feel the essence of the night. It is as if we have personified the voids where photons do not exist. Superstitiously strange and scientifically absurd. Anything present in the dark is similarly so in the light. We just culturally condition ourselves to believe otherwise.

I only mention this because now when I am awake in the middle of the night I try to be somewhat productive rather than cowering beneath my blankets.

Perhaps that is why so many of us pity the blind; imagining that they are trapped in a perpetual darkness, that darkness we fear and personify, giving it the strength to frighten us. That too is absurd since we should all understand that the absence of sight does not mean darkness, for darkness can only exist where we disrupt the presence of photons. If you cannot see photons or their absence, then you see nothing. I can't see out of the back of my head, but that doesn't mean I see blackness behind me. I can't see back there at all, emptiness, not darkness.

We as a society place so much safety in the ability to see that when we are robbed of it either due to darkness in the night or from blindness, we conjure impressions of fear and ineptitude. And from there we attribute light and dark to good and evil, only further strengthening that impression. How foolish we are.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, though if I am to do it anywhere it should be here. Harry just smiles when I do it as if he is waiting for me to realize what I'm doing.

Ronald was rather cute today. We were using today to visit historical sites and the entire time he was exaggerating how little he knows and joking about things he didn't understand. It is endearing since he is addressing his lack of interest in academia in a more appropriate way. He can be rather funny when he does that. It kept the two of us laughing and over all he did learn a lot. It was fun and we both got a lot out of it. Ronald jokes about the things he doesn't know and Harry pretends he knows more than he does with this sarcastic drawl as if he is Draco Malfoy and it is really adorable. Yes he's learned loads since school but it is cute when he…

No. Just stop. I don't need to just keep comparing them like this. It isn't fair to Ronald. Am I allowed to? Should I be doing this? I don't know, but what I do know is that he needs me to be present with him while we are here. I owe him that. I did marry him after all. My own issues shouldn't get in the way of fulfilling my end of the vows while we are together.

God I'm awful aren't I? Why does this have to be so hard?

The food here is excellent! We went to the North End for dinner and of course had Italian. Oh my was it delicious. And the pastries….

A girl could accept adding a few pounds if she lived here; absolutely worth the weight gained.

Tomorrow we will be going to a match before heading up to Portland Maine for the afternoon. Tuesday we will go to New York and Wednesday to Washington D.C. On Friday we are going down to Virginia and then back up to New York on Saturday for another quidditch match or two before returning home on Sunday.

I do enjoy spending this time with him. When we do things like this, we don't argue as much. The novelty takes a bit of that away I think. It is times like these when I wonder if it could work after all. If only we could always be like this.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	5. Entries 6-7

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling

**RTDU**

Entry 6: 27th August, 1999

It seems that I must remind my brain, that just because there is a maelstrom of conflicting emotions to manage, does not mean that I can hide from myself. The entire point of keeping a journal was to decipher my feelings and better grasp what I must do. Instead I have spent the last weeks hiding from what I do not understand. Or rather, hiding from the things I understand, that conflict with one another. Either way, it is unhealthy and I must confront this properly.

Again.

I love them both, and I don't want to love them both. Why can't our emotions remain within the reach of our control? I am not supposed to be a conflicted wreck like this.

Again though, process helps. Order your thoughts and go forward so at the least if anyone ever reads this you don't look insane.

The honeymoon was amazing. Ronald managed to find interest in some of the historical bits, and I did enjoy the games. I don't think it was our interest in those areas, I truly believe we enjoyed them because the other did. That is something that has been hard for us. Our passions are so different that we just let them be separate. For that week, I fell in love with Ronald again. Since? Well it has been business as usual. We have made fair attempts at integrating one another's interests, but I have to be honest, it isn't working. I really don't like this. I don't like seeing us the way we are every day. I don't like arguing, I don't like not knowing how to connect with him. I don't like what I have done.

Yeah that hurts a bit. Ah self honesty how you injure us all.

I was young, am young, and thought I was in love, and married one of my friends. I can admit that I married the wrong friend. Whether or not I should have married Harry remains to be seen, but I do at least know that I buggered this one up big time. The only times Ronald and I are really happy with each other is either when we are forced to accept what the other is doing, or when having sex. That is so pathetic. Why in the bloody hell did I go through with this? What is wrong with me?

Alright so I know I messed up; the question is what to do about it. Is this an instance where you lie in the bed you make or where you fix the mistake you made. Maybe there isn't a right answer, and either way seems wrong. Ultimately of course I am left with the same options as before.

**RTDU**

Entry 7: 15th September, 1999

I'm doing it again, honestly why the hell am I so self-destructive sometimes? I couldn't possibly lie to myself about wanting this determined, so why am I hurting myself like this?

I am so dedicated to my education and work and yet I won't give myself the same effort. What does that say about one's emotional self-worth? I thought I respected myself better than this, but it would seem I have learning to do. I'm nearly 20 and can't even help myself through a clearly important situation like this. I really do need to see a therapist it would seem.

Just keep writing, that is the entire point of this after all.

A couple of weeks ago when we had dinner with Ron's parents, Molly hinted at children. I know she loves me dearly, but the look she gave me made me feel like I'm some 1950s housewife who is just supposed to lay on her back and pump out babies for her husband. I was so hacked off that I had to force myself not to cut my steak to ribbons. Ron was pretty good about it though I suppose. He told her that we had both decided to wait until he has a solid career as well since he wants to set a good example for the kids. Honestly, that surprised me and I had to ask him afterwards if he was serious.

Apparently he was. Ron said that he'd been thinking about it and he doesn't think it is as good an idea as he had thought considering that eh doesn't have a solid career.

Mind, the rest of the conversation at dinner had returned to discussing numbers of children and how Ron was going to be making loads of money. It wasn't said directly but it was clearly implied that I would not be the primary bread-winner in the household. I don't even care if I am, but suggesting that I'll just be playing mum for the rest of my life does nothing for my composure. Arthur, thankfully, had nothing to contribute to that segment fo the discussion and instead he and I talked about work. He sometimes joins Harry and I for lunch and we've grown quite close to him. Arthur is really a good man, but he's just more of a follower to Molly in most cases. He isn't weak, not at all, but I think he just lets her make the calls most of the time. Her personality is a lot more dominant than his, so it does make sense. Its just sad though.

When he met us for lunch the next week at work, Arthur took me aside and apologized for the turn of the discussion and said not to listen to Molly and to be exactly who I am. We hugged, but part of me wished he had said that at dinner.

So, to actually move things forward, I've been reading, of course, on the subject of marriage. Much of the literature suggests not letting issues fester, so I tried to talk to Ron about the whole matter later on and tell him how it made me feel.

We fought instead.

I haven't shared with Harry since I don't want to be telling him bad things about his friend. The last thing I want to do is cause a rift of any kind. I'll try talking to Ron about it again, but we need to talk rather than argue, it isn't helping. Honestly, how did we ever think this was a good pairing?

Tomorrow I am requiring of myself that I reach out to a therapist of some kind. Reading is only going to get me so far.

Wow, I really did just write that. Something must be wrong with me. Note to self, never repeat those words in Harry or Ron's vicinity, they will never let me live that down.

Alright so i have a goal for tomorrow. I am going to be better for myself. I need to be better for myself. This isn't just about my relationship with Ronald or how i feel about Harry, it's about me as well. I have to take care of that too.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	6. Entry 8

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 8: 16th September, 1999

I'm so excited! This weekend, Ronald, Harry, Ginny and I are going to visit Neville at Hogwarts. He has been apprenticed to Professor Sprout since he left school and is working on his Mastery in Herbology. He has a project he's been working on that he wants to show us. I understand the basic sciences of the art but herbology was never my strongest area of study. I think growing things is wonderful in its own right, but biology in itself has never drawn out my interest very much. I am glad that he enjoys it so. Neville struggled for so long in school and he's so confident now. I swear if he had been like this sooner he might have been the one to demand that we form the D.A. in fifth year, maybe even teach it if Harry had refused. But, what ifs do no one any good.

Apparently we will be going somewhere for my birthday dinner, and no one will tell me where. Its sweet of them, but it really isn't necessary. I really just want mum and daddy back. Maybe its childish, but I miss my parents and they are really all I truly want. I still have nightmares about what I've done to them, though of course I've never said anything to anyone. To turn my wand on them, it was hard to aim at the backs of their heads because I was crying so hard. They trusted me and I used magic on them; the one thing they could never defend themselves against. I don't see how they could ever forgive me for something like that. That is, if I ever find them again. They've disappeared and i'm the one who did it to them.

If I hadn't had the opportunity to show them some magic when I got home, then obliviating them would have been my first legal spell cast outside of school. I'm not sure honestly what that would have done to me. As it is, I struggle with the thought. They really loved my patronus. Mum actually tried to cuddle the otter before it passed right through her. God i love them so much.

Is there anything more cruel than being the one to tear apart your family, regardless of the cause? I know it was for a good reason, but that does not in any way diminish the pain of that memory. And now there are tear marks on the page, I'll spell them away later if I can.

I just want them back.

They're nearly the only family I have. All that is left is my aunt Tracy and uncle Steven and their kids Martin and Sarah. I love those kids so much, they used to come over to play loads during the summers. Those two must be both nearly teenagers now. Anyway, they're a bit estranged now too, since my parents were having trouble explaining things away, and now I've just lost all touch with them. I don't even know how to explain everything to them even if I could.

I just want mum and daddy back.

I want daddy to call me pumpkin again. I want mum to brush my hair again. I want to listen while they make each other laugh and act like children again. I just want them back.

Is that too much to ask?

Why couldn't I have come up with a better solution? I should have been smarter, more creative.

It isn't as if writing this down is an apology to the universe girl, it isn't going to bring them back.

As the author Terry Goodkind says in his books, "Think about the solution, not the problem."

The solution is to get to Australia, so I need to find out who will come with me, and i need to get time off. God are they going to be mad at me for marrying Ronald like a love-starved teenager? Oh please I hope not.

Aak!

Alright, focus.

That's enough self-hatred for now, I need to be better about managing those feelings. I'm not ready to get rid of them just yet, so maybe the therapist can help if I can find a way to explain it all.

Speaking of, I spoke to a woman today and she has a few openings. Her name is Sasha and she is a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, but I don't intend to get medication as it is, so as far as I am concerned that will be plenty for me. She seems really nice and her office isn't far from the ministry, so i can walk like a normal person rather than having to contrive some sneaky way of getting there every week. I'm not sure if I should tell Ronald though, considering his views on the matter. In general the magical world doesn't look too kindly upon the need for a mind healer, so I brought it up a long time ago to him in a way I thought would be fine. Let's just say that his response sparked another argument that has remained unresolved to this day.

My first appointment will be next Wednesday. She said that the first is used to see if we will be a good fit and go through paperwork, rather than to get any actual work done.

I am nervous of course. I don't like that I will have to hide a lot from someone who is just trying to help me, but I don't have loads of options right now. I want to better myself, and that needs to remain my primary focus right now.

I've gone on about a lot already, but there is one other thing I think I need to do for myself. I've found that I really do enjoy writing and it is helping me loads, even though sometimes I clearly avoid it against my better health. There are some experiences I want to write down that I need to process more than I have, but need a lot of detail to capture properly. Awful sentence that one, wow. Anyway, I've decided to start writing them down, certain moments at least in a similar book to this. I'm going to call it "Moments of Reflection." Its a fitting title I believe. I mean it describes my overall intent with the project and i really believe I am going to enjoy it. Besides, i really need to improve upon my writing. Enjoying it doesn't make me any decent at the skill. I'm not sure what my first piece will be, but I know of several I want to write. I need to heal myself in my own way; hopefully this will help.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

A/N: Yes, she is serious and so am I. They will be published as an anthology under the title "Moments of Reflection," as a companion to this story. For those who read this story, pieces published in that one will reflect—heh, see what I did there?—what is happening in this story, though they need not be connected. I hope you like them.

Elise


	7. Entry 9

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and possibly Hermione, but I'm not going to be the one to get between those two.

**RTDU**

Entry 9: 17th September, 1999

I am interrupted in my confusion by moments of certain love; welcome for their kind solidity and yet cursed for the pain they bring me. Yes I do love Ronald, and yet that love as strong as it may be, is not for one of equal bondage. I feel for Ronald as I would for a growing sibling, lesser and needing observation and praise whenever positive outcomes are achieved. It shifts and twirls like some teasing dancer and yet I, for all my introspection, can't grasp it. I want to take that feeling and make it grow, make it stronger, make it of romance. But day after day, night after night, I am foiled by my own mistakes, my emotional hubris.

It is not as if the steady rain outside my window will patter louder simply for my wanting it. It is not as though I can fall in love with Quidditch simply because Ronald receives so much joy from it. I can not force myself to feel a particular sensation for a person, especially not one whom I have been around for so long. The feelings have developed as they have and there is little to be done about it.

What brings this about? Well I slipped up today when talking to Harry. I've written before that I specifically don't mention our relationship issues to Harry since I don't want to either drag him in to it or make him feel badly about his friend. Well Harry was talking about his godson Teddy Lupin and how he was rather feline in his desire for human contact. He either wants you to hold and hug him right now, or back the heck off and let him play with his toys. I slipped up then, not even realizing it until it was too late. I said that it reminded me of Ronald when he was done wanting… and I cut off. But I only did that because I had seen Harry stiffen and he did that thing where his eyes go hard and bright. I don't really know how he does it, but I've always had trouble not telling him what he wants when he does that. Its like the opposite of puppy dog eyes, where i just can't not do what he wants.

His voice got quiet and he asked if I was alright. So of course Ms. Stoicism here started bawling her eyes out in the middle of the damn dining hall at work. The worst part is that Harry didn't even give me the chance to run off, which I was absolutely about to do. Nope, instead he got up first and gave me a hug and asked if we might prefer dining on fresh air and a nice walk.

Well that offer didn't help in itself, but thankfully once we were outside walking i got my wits back together and managed not to tell him anything. But I think it might be too late, he's got that look now that means he knows I'm full of it.

He didn't even look uncomfortable when I started crying in front of all those people. In fact he looked more than used to it. Is everything alright with him and Ginny? I know he doesn't want to settle down with her just yet, but if he's that used to crying witches at this point that he knows what to do, then perhaps there is more trouble in paradise than I thought.

Well isn't that the cat calling the kettle black.

The prat didn't even pester me though, he just walked with me and asked how Crookshanks is doing and talked about Teddy and his work. Not in the self-centered way, no, but to give me time to gather myself. Why is he so good at this? It isn't fair and it is so not helping my feelings towards him. I know I can't just wish those away, no more than I can wish stronger feelings for Ronald in to being, but still. It would be so much easier to deal with Ronald if I wasn't already seeing what I did wrong with Harry.

I even tried to consider if I am over emphasizing Harry's positive qualities because of my marital issues. I even made a freaking pros and cons list for heaven's sake. And a venn diagram. And a chart. And, oh who cares. The point is that yes while i am adding extra feeling towards Harry, it is also due to the recent realization that I've really always felt this way towards him. He's the unconditional love in the children of my dreams; the curly black hair, the radiant green eyes, the adorable grin. He's the comfort I feel when that presence exists in my dreams, letting me know I am home. He's the excitement I feel when hurrying up the walk of my dreamscape, eager to see him just inside the front door. He's the mystery that has plagued my dreams and I've only just realized it. That calm serenity, that absolute determination to care for, that's what I recognized.

I had thought that those uncertain presences in my dreams were Ronald, just hiding or just not fully visible to me. But the feelings.

Those feelings are too real, too tangible, too honest, to be about anyone other than Harry.

So now what?

I feel lost in certainty and I just want this rain to grow stronger so I can hear nothing but. I want thunder, something that makes me shiver in my bed aside from the physical pleasures or the emotional torment. I want something other than uncertainty.

I just want to understand. I don't think it is all too much to ask. For a bibliophile such as myself, not understanding is just about the most damaging place I can be put in.

Oh, speaking of Crookshanks, I have to end for now since he seems to be irritated with Ronald's snoring and is slapping him in the face with his tail. How cute, he understands.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	8. Entries 10-14

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

A/N: This is a little longer than usual since I was out of internet for a few days and so couldn't post when it hit 1000 Words.

**RTDU**

Entry 10: 18th September, 1999

I honestly don't even feel like writing right now. I'm just doing it because I said I would and already failed so many times in a row that I feel like leaving it again is just going to encourage further avoidance. There isn't anything particular at the moment I don't want to deal with, I just don't feel like writing. There, I've covered it.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Entry 11: 19th September, 1999

Oh my.

Well, I believe it is safe to say that this was a birthday to remember. I had hoped that it would be average at best, since Harry was the planner, but that hope was dashed before I could even Harden my heart properly. Perhaps I should have written in this journal immediately, but I felt the need to write the event out like a story in my new book first. Either way the result is the same. I ended up crying in Harry's arms without reserve or care. It was everything emotional expression should be and everything I should have denied myself in that moment. I can't allow myself to feel the way I did tonight, and yet, I do.

As far as the justice of marriage is concerned, I have plenty to monitor myself for. I would never cheat on Ronald, but I don't know where the line is drawn for emotional expression. It feels wrong to tell Harry how I feel about the whole thing while I am married to Ronald, but I wish I could have some level of certainty before continuing. The last thing I need is to break up with Ronald and then be alone for the rest of my life because Harry ends up being happy with Ginny. But then again, now that I wrote that, I see the lie. The truth is that it would be better to live single than to live a marital lie. I do not like lying, especially not like this.

So the right thing to do would be to wait to talk with Harry until I am no longer with Ronald. But am I sure I really want to go forward with this? Is this the right path or just the emotional one?

I'm not going to make any decisions like this, I'm not in the right frame of mind to do it properly. I'll wait until I'm talking regularly with a therapist to make such drastic decisions. But I will not drag this out more than it needs to be. It is already wrong to Ronald and not fair to his life and feelings.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Entry 12: 20th September, 1999

I find it interesting that in the moments where I have the most to say and the most to consider, I write the least.

Lunch at work today was, awkward. Harry and I are beyond the point of needing space from one another when things are off, but that doesn't mean we always know what to say. I think he got the idea from our conversation yesterday that I don't feel very comfortable with things as they are. He asked me today if I wanted to talk about it to which I replied that I would love to, but can't right now.

Harry asked why that was and I had to tell him that I have a lot of feelings going on right now, and some of them I am not ready to express. I think it is better if we hold off on those topics for a time. His instant and automatic support for the retrieval of my parents and his creativity in bringing me to my aunt Tracy's family for my birthday show something in him that frightens me to behold. Harry understands me better than anyone else. As simple and concerning as that. But beyond that fact, he cares more too.

Ronald does love me in his own way, that I know, and I also know that I shouldn't compare emotions that I can not quantify, but it is different. Yes, everyone expresses love differently and we shouldn't be judged on that. But I can't be blamed for comparing how those two expression methods effect me.

Damn it, Harry found my family and brought them to me. I haven't seen my aunt, uncle, and their two kids for years, and Harry just pulled it together somehow for my birthday. Because he knew how much it would mean to me.

And he just knows he'll be there to help find my parents.

Who does that so readily without reserve except someone who loves you? I think one of the reasons I never strongly considered him and I a potential couple was because we already act so much like one. I mean really, after fourth year it should have been obvious to both of us, but we were both young and stupid. I took it for granted and only now am I realizing it. How thick am I? For someone who was supposedly the brightest witch of her age, I'm rather thick.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Entry 13: 21st September, 1999

Yeah, the brightest witch of my age and I don't even have my N.E.W.T.s as if. Visiting Neville at Hogwarts this past weekend only made it more obvious how much I miss schooling. I got caught up in trying to help make the Ministry a better place after the mess the death eaters left it; and I was lax about my own needs. When I did finally bring up going back for the final year, Ronald told me he didn't see why I would need it considering my job. Of course I got this job because I know Kingsly and because I was so closely involved with the war, not at all because of my test grades. O.W.L.s should not be enough to get this position. Granted, Umbridge made that rather mute.

Still, I want to finish school and now I've let myself be influenced by Ronald's opinion. I don't need to resent him for affecting a decision of mine, that's not his fault. At least it isn't his fault that I let him convince me not to go. So why do I feel like I am so upset with him about it?

Is it because he believes that as a woman I don't need those tests completed? Is it because he just doesn't like school and so doesn't think anyone else does either? Why?

No offense to Neville of course, but if he can return to finish his schooling, then why couldn't I?

Harry even said while we were there that he should probably go back as well. Ronald and Ginny scoffed, so I kept my mouth shut.

Like a good little housewife.

What am I turning in to?

I can't allow myself to falter like this, I have to remain true to myself at the very least. No matter what. I mean, that's the entire point of why I sign each entry as I do at the end. I need to keep certain things in mind, so I write them each time, even if I don't complete a thought.

Because those have to be my founding ideas. No exception.

I can not start becoming something or someone I am not. I refuse.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Entry 14: 23rd September, 1999

I didn't write yesterday because I wanted to internally process my first therapy session before putting it down in words. Unfortunately that means I broke my pattern again, but I think that the first day is a reasonable exclusion from expectations.

I quite like Sasha and look forward to continuing to work with her. She's middle-aged and has a perky attitude that I like in this circumstance. It may prove to be a nice balance to my analytical tendencies. We shall see of course but I am at the least interested to see how it goes.

We discussed only the basics of course, filling out paperwork, discussing regularity, all such. I was rather abrupt about how things have been going and gave her a very brief version of the saga with Ronald and Harry. She did advise not making any rash decisions on the matter since she wants to better analyze our relationships and feelings. She did say though that such conflicts are more common than one might think but that we can work through it together. Also, since my parents aren't here, she suggested trying to reconnect more with Tracy and her family. I think she's right and that it will be good for me. I intend to do so regardless, but I need a support system of those who are not directly connected to the situation at hand.

Sasha she keeps quiet music in her office and it is calming I have to admit. I'd thought it would distract me, but I find I appreciate it. Other than the wireless, magicals rarely listen to music so it was hardly present at Hogwarts. It showed me how much I miss it in my life. Perhaps once this is settled I'll start learning an instrument.

We are going to meet weekly and she was excited to learn that I am keeping this journal. She often recommends that people keep journals as it helps sort out feelings and identify those that we otherwise might not recognize ourselves. I'm glad I am doing something right at least.

Arthur joined Harry and I for lunch today. He got a tear in his eye when I told him what Harry had planned but he looked a bit confused. Honestly its probably my fault for showing how much it meant to me. I don't want to falsify my feelings to Mr. Weasley though. I never did describe what Ronald got me for my birthday now did I?

He got me a figurine that looks exactly like Crookshanks for my desk at work. It walks around my desk and has rather realistic feline tendencies.

I'll be honest though, considering who held this job before me, it makes me feel like Umbridge. All in all it was a sweet gift and I am happy for it, but I really didn't want to be the next cat lady at work. At least my office isn't pink. I shouldn't say he got the figure, he enchanted it. He did admit to help from the twins since they've been training him to help them create some of their products. Seeing the result of some of his actual work is really nice.

There, a positive statement.

I am glad that Ronald is putting in effort to something other than sports.

Am I impossible to please? I mean, every positive thing I can think of about it or him in general is countered by at least the same number of negative. What is wrong with me? Am I just horrible or am I actually finally seeing him as he is? I don't like this.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	9. Entry 15

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 15: 24th September, 1999

Time is broken.

It has to be. Else why would it slip from me with every conclusion I reach. With every thought of recognition, of truth, of reality, moments vanish like so many motes of dust before the wind. Is it perception? Is it understanding? What makes it so?

I sit here again as night progresses ever onward, wondering how so much time has passed already. Even in this night, the span of time absorbed by my thoughts and musings has expanded far beyond anything I naturally would accept. Instead of swift conclusions I only draw long fought understandings. It hurts to feel my mind working at such a slow pace as this. And there beside me lays Ronald amidst the comfort of sleep I must deny myself. For every moment I sleep is a moment I am not furthering my decisions. How I wish I could begrudge him for that allowance.

As I sit and think, it feels as though time has frozen for me alone, to give me the emptiness my thoughts crave for stability. And upon awakening from a stupor of conscious configuration, I find that ti was instead a ruse. Time has no care for my thoughts. Time will never slow for me alone. Instead it allows me to believe a falsehood, that I have time. The truth is much more painful than that, for I have none. Days and weeks and months are nothing before the trepidation and suffering brought on by matters such as mine, unfinished as they are. Every goal I have formed, every need I have accepted, lies incomplete before me like every failing I have received or made for myself. i have accomplished nothing since my wedding night. Since I bent with nausea and then allowed my new husband to sate both our needs in a moment of needful forgetfulness. I won't deny that I have allowed it since and I won't deny that I have enjoyed it. For I crave forgetfulness, I crave silence, I crave peace.

None of these things can i yet give myself, for my peace is shattered by worry, my silence by thoughts and my forgetfulness by memories of which I have forced myself to reconsider. I am slowly tormenting myself and allowing the one thing that is holding this relationship together, to be my rock. It disgusts me what I have allowed myself to become and do. It frightens me to see such blatant frailty in my humanity. As if all the work I have done constructing a mind of logic and surety, building a persona that thrives on solving difficulties, has been for naught. I have wasted my time in those years of dreamy pretending. The years of my schooling made me cold and sure of my strength.

And now I have broken myself.

Those things that hold me to myself are the things I should in truth hold myself back from. The pleasures of the body, something i saw as rather unnecessary and frail for so long, now ground me in myself, my body, my humanity. The love I hold for the green eyed man who saved the world, well, that reminds me of who I am.

Little should be as I have made it so. I have sacrificed myself for my childish failings and expectations. And now I sit here crying like a fool without really understanding why. Thankfully Crookshanks is with me, curled in my lap where he belongs. He is the one man in my life right now that I am allowed to love, to receive comfort from and to protect. It has been just over six years now and for all his bluster and determination to be the only important creature on this earth, he gives me that grounding. Because he knows I care for him and only gives me his love in return. Cats are moody enough as it is, so when one actually lets you pet and cuddle it, well, only cat people understand how much that can mean in the moment. He doesn't judge me when I cry and he doesn't hate me for being confused. He just wants food and shelter. And of course the occasional praise when he catches a mouse.

I have build a world around myself that was so dependent on not needing people, so calm with only two truly close friends in it, that now I know not what to do with it. The feelings I hold for the two of them are confusing and rejected by my real wants and morality. I don't know what to do, and the worst part is that I created this problem entirely. I could have thought first, I could have been more introspective. I could have said no. I could have said "I love you" to the right person.

I could have told myself the truth.

Perhaps this confusion, this uncertainty, is the mourning process begun for the loss of my foolishness. The loss of my youth. Many things I have in this life are the result of necessity, or of necessary decisions made by a young girl who just wanted those she loved to survive a terrifying war. But in the end, what I have is the result of my actions, my choices.

If this is the mourning process for the death of my innocence, then I have a long way to go. I do not hate myself for what i have but I do not forgive myself as yet either. My choices left me with a mess of uncertainty and frightening choices. Choices that are no less urgent for the lack of a war. Choices I now have to make to either repair what my past has done to my future, or accept those pieces that want to break me. My childhood innocence has cost me much more than I would have ever thought possible.

Time it seems, is broken. Time it seems is heartless and cold, just like the war that made me who I am; a frightened adult who is in agony for what her youth has done to her.

Well, there is one good decision I made several years ago, and it is purring in warmth on my lap within a bundle of orange fur and contented smugness. Ever so glad to have found you Crookshanks my friend.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	10. Entries 16-19

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 16: 25th September, 1999

I want to continue my schooling, but I don't want to leave work to do so. So I made a decision and wrote Headmistress McGonagall a letter today. I asked if it would be possible to continue through correspondence rather than in person. I am more than willing to take the time t study and complete the work outside of the ministry. Whether or not Ronald and Harry would want to do so as well isn't really my decision so depending on McGonagall's answer, I might meet with the two of them and see what they say. Either way, I am doing this for me, it is something I can do for myself regardless of what anyone else wants. Hopefully her response will be favorable.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Entry 17: 26th September, 1999

I'll copy here the letter I received. I'm so happy.

Ms. Granger:

I must admit I had wondered how long it would be before you contacted me about your schooling. I very much respect your points and have spoken to the staff. In practicality, it is difficult to be sure that someone has actually grasped the material without demonstration. We concluded that throughout the week you could correspond via owl with your assignments, but we would require you coming to the castle one day each weekend to demonstrate what you have learned. This is in particular for charms, transfiguration, potions and defense. Based on your arithmancy and runes focus it may be necessary as well. Do you intend to continue with care of magical creatures as well? There are details to iron out, so we can communicate about those over the next weeks until we finalize plans.

Ultimately, we would be glad to support your education while you work. Not a one of us fails to appreciate what you may do with the N.E.W.T.s under your belt. Let me know what you think.

Minerva

I can do it. Its actually going to work! Now I just need to see if Ronald and Harry are interested.

**RTDU**

Entry 18: 28th September, 1999

I don't really have any way not to be angry right now. Nor do I feel as if I have the energy to rage. Perhaps not energy, emotion, investment, emotional investment, that's it.

Yesterday I had dinner with Ronald and Harry to show them McGonagall's letter. Dinner was fine honestly. I didn't exactly get what I had hoped for, but again it isn't my decision what Harry and Ronald do with their lives. Harry did say that he thinks it wise to complete our schooling and would be happy to join me. That's great and I'm very happy about that. We later decided to meet up after work to study and complete the work. Believe it or not, Harry said he doesn't want me doing any work for him anymore. As if I would. We joked about it later because he really does mean it. Harry said he wants his scores and grades honestly. We will help each other as needed of course but I'm glad that he has grown up in that respect.

Ronald.

At dinner he was appropriate about it. He said that he doesn't want to continue because he doesn't need to at this point. He has a job and he hopes to play professionally as a Keeper. Honestly, that's fine. I never expected him to do it just because I am. I never expected Ronald to actually want to further his education.

What I also never expected was him to run his mouth about me to Harry after dinner.

Harry asked to see me after work today when we were at lunch. I think he didn't want to upset me during the day. I've decided to write the encounter in my book to better sort out my thoughts, but basically the poor thing was worried sick. Harry didn't want to cause problems but he felt that while Ronald hadn't necessarily meant what he said out of malice, that it was still not okay. As it turns out, I'm not exactly sure where to place it. In a way it is classic Ronald and I don't think he actually understands how awful it is. He'd likely be upset with himself and take it in to consideration, but of course it is all speculation since I haven't confronted him yet.

It comes down to that he and Harry had a row since Ronald told Harry that he found it annoying that I wanted to get him to go back to school and he'd thought that he wouldn't have to after marrying me. My career and his being enough for him to be able to sit school out even if i went. Apparently to him, school is my thing and he's fine with not being the primary breadwinner, and that it was rather his intent by marrying me.

I want to be clear, he isn't awful. Ronald has never liked school and I have no problem with being the breadwinner. That is fine. But to marry someone directly so you can avoid working harder, so you don't have to be the responsible one, so you can let them put in the effort? That isn't alright by any sense. It may be the household he grew up in. After all Molly never worked once she had the kids and that was fine. But I doubt Molly married Arthur specifically to avoid working herself. In this case it is intent over outcome. Perhaps i am not explaining it well, but to be expected to carry him along, to be expected to keep doing all the hard work, that isn't sitting well with me. I won't have my effort and work be sat upon like some, wealthy hag who takes a trophy husband. That isn't how I operate.

It is as i said, likely that Ronald doesn't mean it like that. But I don't think he wants to be a stay-at-home father either, so I'm not quite sure how this all works out for him. Either way it comes don to me needing to talk to him about it. I won't allow continued presumptions to colour my feelings toward him such as they are, without further discussion. He deserves that from me.

Hopefully he will want to talk.

Harry is really messed up about this. Apparently he hexed Ronald and they aren't talking now. Ronald did seem a bit off when he came up to bed last night but said he just wan't feeling well. Harry really wasn't sure what to do and I kind of had to drag answers out of him. I don't blame him, the decision of whether or not to say anything is rather difficult after all. After our discussion on my birthday, well, I think he's getting a bigger picture of this partnership than is probably wise.

At least I'll be able to talk to Sasha about it tomorrow.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.

**RTDU**

Entry 19: 29th September, 1999

I finished writing the discussion down after my appointment with Sasha. If eels liberating, being able to share with someone what is going on. We briefly went over the current stuff, but she wanted to get an idea of how our friendship came about in the first place, the three of us i mean. I had to alter some events of course but it was sufficient. Perhaps I should see if i can get a pass for her on the Statute? It might be worth it. Maybe if Kingsly will back me I can get it done.

I am rather tired now though, and still a bit confused. Sasha did suggest talking to Ronald as well, so that will be my homework for the next few days.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	11. Entry 20

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

Author's note:

I will offer an explanation absent apology for the delay. My life has been rather, occupied with cognitive and emotional matters that have required I remain very much focused on my own thoughts and reactions. Writing Hermione is, more of a, shift, for myself to make and requires that I not be distracted. As it might be noticed, I have made progress in my other stories except for this one. Medical and personal matters should be more settled for the present, so I hope to continue this as a regularity. In this particular case, the gap is functional for her situation. Happy reading.

Also, if you are one of the readers telling me not to make this a Hermione and Harry pairing in the end, then I'm not sure what you have been reading, but it clearly isn't this story. Read the emotions, not the words and perhaps then it will make sense. I think this chapter delves in to such things accurately enough.

**RTDU**

Entry 20: 27th October, 1999

Our entire relationship as it has been over the last decade, played out like a symphony these past four weeks. While I would love to say it was an incredibly beautiful manifestation of our love and cooperation, it was instead a glaring reminder of why I am writing this journal in the first place. I am determined to try, to make this work for as long as we can.

But that does not mean my heart isn't broken.

Allowances for negligence and cruelty, allowances for spiteful jealousy and menial regret have done this to me. I have done this to myself and allowed the perpetuation of feelings that while adorable and youthfully significant are ultimately ripping at the worth I have developed for myself over the years. I deserve reciprocity and communication. I deserve love and understanding. Those Ronald gives on a similar basis as he does academia; and with as much fervor. The only love we share that bears more energy than casual appreciation is that which takes place in the bedroom; something i am altogether grateful for and disgusted by. Why do I allow this for myself?

Objectivity, start over.

My feelings are discordant, muddled and so much so that Sasha has strongly advised that I sit down tonight and write. Which is why i allowed myself to give in to the carnal urges and join Ronald in passions before he drifted off in to a sleep that will remain sound for long enough to allow me to finish this. We are intimate because it distracts, because it satisfies, even if only on the surface. It is a reprieve, a gap, a cessation of hostilities and uncertainty in the midst of something I had always been led to believe was solid and sacred. Marriage seems to be anything but. Though it of course could be due to our youth and the frail logic that brought us together in the first place.

We are intimate because Ronald has again made himself believe that a frail apology is sufficient, even though I have told him otherwise. Though it would seem I haven't really shown that since I've been participating equally in that. Such is fallacy. Our flaws, it appears, are as difficult to remove as our prior understandings and false conceptions.

After the admittedly awkward and equally necessary conversation with Harry about Ronald's partial reasons for marrying me, I did ultimately speak with my new husband. There are always a myriad of ways to bring about such a painful discussion, and ultimately we can only utilize one. I struggled for days over just how to address it. Was I to confront him directly with quoted words? Was I to trick him in to saying something similar so i could pretend I hadn't had any foreknowledge? Perhaps I was to lead him in to it, or imply that Harry had said something about it but not exactly what. There are of course many more possibilities, all of them I itemized with lists of potential outcomes that ultimately proved useless and unnecessary. Regardless, they are a comfort to me, a necessity in my own mind, a process, an organization. Whether or not life occurs as I plan it to, it helps to know that I have contingencies, ideas to fall back on.

So i planned and prepared and tried to find the least damaging way to address this. Whom the damage was ultimately done to in the aftermath, well that I still don't truly know. Regardless, it has been done.

I approached Ronald directly. I told him that I had spoken to Harry and that he had been concerned for us and told me about the interaction. Ronald was of course inflamed and ready to tear off and batter the poor thing to the ground. I informed him that while our marriage is certainly not Harry's business, our friendship is. We argued of course. It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid it, sometimes it happens. I know that for myself I get upset and flustered when people can't put a simple string of logic through their brain, but I've been trying to work on that. I tried to approach this calmly, but when one person always wants to fight, its hard to avoid such. It is not all Ronald's fault though, he and i have the propensity for eruptions such as this; something that has neither dulled nor been improved upon over the years we've known each other.

So we argued. We yelled and screamed like normal people do.

I won't even deign to write the pathetic apology that Ronald cobbled together the next day. Frankly it replicates perfectly the true understanding he has of how he made me feel. Nothing. He understands nothing of how he made me feel.

So as normal, as we have practiced these last years, we went on as if nothing had happened. Outwardly.

I don't deserve that, but frankly i can't live in an angry house while I'm trying to figure out what to do about this. Oh I could let it go, I could forgive him, I could pretend that the things we yelled at one another were only half truths. But that would be lying. Should my life become a practice in forgiveness and false hope for eventual understanding? Forgiveness in itself is not false, but forgiveness for a repeated action? Forgiveness for someone's love for you being based upon what they will get from it as a result? No. The part of me that had accepted that a couple of months ago has been properly rehabilitated; I am not a child anymore. I am not a woman who is going to let her husband sit by and while doing his own business, presume that she will take care of all the hardships life may bring. I am not someone who can tolerate being left as the emotional center for something that has as few supporting pillars as the remains of a forgotten ruin. I, don't deserve that.

And for once, I'm not going to sit idly by while I consider how to get out of it.

I need to work on my argument style, or my communication style. I shouldn't lose it when someone ignores something intelligent right before their eyes. I shouldn't explode. Those things I can admit. But I also shouldn't be treated like rubbish. As I fix the external matters, I will fix the internal. That is what Sasha is for.

And school.

That has been my saving grace. Harry and I started two weeks ago after ironing out some of the finer details. So we meet after work in our kitchens and complete our studies. We trade off which house we will use since Ginny has been staying with him, and Ronald is suspicious. This way we are working in front of the significant others to provide as much of a clear point that this is not a secret romance or anything stupid like that. Weasley jealousy. As much as I do have feelings for Harry, this is a separate matter. We are mutually addressing our educations and to be honest, we are both enjoying it. We still have our lunch conversations at work to focus on personal matters, but we also have the time to work on our essays. It helps to have someone to compare work to and discuss the finer points of details and assignments. He's never been the quick study type, but Harry's trying.

You can always tell when someone is making an effort, it shows glaringly obvious. I noticed that Ronald was trying with W.W.W. and quidditch practice. As such I can clearly tell that Harry is studying on his own time to be ready for our homework sessions. Then on Saturdays we go to the castle for the practicals. I miss it there, even with all the horrid memories.

There is something about the meeting of the minds however that I have to manage. It is nothing so awkward as knowledge being attractive as many over the years have thought me to feel. There is a growth, a development of further understanding that can only happen through academic debate. Through the process of mutual learning, it is hard not to grow closer to someone, whether in friendship or otherwise. It isn't helping my other problem. I can say sincerely that as a result Harry and I have never been so similarly on the same page in as many ways as we are. We can debate topics without upset, we can educate one another in our own way without feeling superior or inferior respectively. We can grow together equally considering our differences and still come out the other end better for it.

As such, his grades are higher than ever and my practicals are similarly improved. He is smart, I never questioned it. But application is as important for the education system as comprehension.

As a result I am monitoring my feelings closely as well as my actions to be sure that I am not acting out of turn. Regardless of any of our situations, it would not be right to act overly close toward him without reciprocity, and in circumstance, equal footing in the relationship department. Right and wrong must be observed.

As for not sitting idly by, the first step is to convince Ronald to join me in marriage counseling. I don't know how he will feel about it yet, but I still have to try. As much as part of me wants out, I know I have to give this my best shot. We have to try. For the sake of our friendship if nothing else.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


	12. Entry 21

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling.

**RTDU**

Entry 21: 12th February, 2000

I made a mistake.

There is a desperation in guilt, it's like a fever of the mind that tells you that no matter what you have done, no matter how hard you've tried, you, yes you, are the one in the wrong. It demands of us that we seek absolution, that we cleanse our hurt in the words of understanding that others may provide us. When an objective therapist is not enough, we reach out and crave a feeling, an emotion, an opinion, a judgement. It doesn't matter at first why, it doesn't even matter the form it shall take. We simply need it, like spilled oil begs of flame, to wash it away with the only potential that may rid the world of it in its entirety. I made a mistake. The mistake wasn't in thinking I was above this unfortunate need; the error was in succumbing to it.

It was the internet you see. This tool that is so beautifully terrible. It lets us share and grow, it lets us help and console; but it also allows us to seek and misguide ourselves in to searching for something we truly should not. And worst of all, it allows those with narrow minds and cruel words to spread their anger like a plague. But we listen, because we hope to help them, we hope to cure them of this anger and in so doing have them cure us of guilt. It sounded perfectly lovely to me at first, until I actually went through with it and realized how thick I was being.

Sasha's advice has been excellent, something I have come to rely upon her for and lately trust far more than I once did. As it were, not long after my last entry, I went through a depression of guilt, so to speak. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, but I felt wrong. Part of me felt the need to be understood, to have someone console me with unveiled words of understanding. I needed a friend whom I could share these things with. I realized in the end that what I really needed was my mother.

My solution at the time was to seek advice on the internet; after all, why not, with all the knowledge it holds there must be something worthwhile. Oh I found other women, and men, in similar situations to my own. People shared their stories of cheaters and lost love, abandoned attempts to repair something they could have and successes when people managed to make things work. I did learn something that Sasha has been trying to tell me the whole time; decisions don't have to be made immediately. We are flawed as humans, we screw up and we are massively imperfect. I knew this about myself but I felt horrible for it. I found people who had been in relationships for years, decades in some situations, and they hadn't been happy the entire time, but had stayed together because people said it was the right thing to do. Some people supported each other, and others criticize without holding back.

But I wasn't alone. For the first time I knew for a cold hard fact that my story wasn't by any means the strangest, and by no means was i alone in feeling so disjointed in all this. But my mistake was in reaching out to someone who I knew wasn't worth the time. I sought absolution in healing another's obvious pain.

There is no need to go in to detail here, since reliving the conversation is a little raw still. But suffice to say I noticed that someone would comment on stories with a word, maybe two. Every time it was disparaging, harsh, mean even. It is one thing to explain yourself, to share your opinion, however narrow, and explain why you feel the way you do. It is another entirely to spit out cruelty needlessly at people who honestly don't deserve it. I shared with them my story in the hopes of reaching the part of them that could hold a conversation. As it happens, they were happy to talk, and tell me how wrong I was. I shouldn't love two people at once, I shouldn't spend time with Harry because it was cheating on Ronald, i shouldn't be confused and i should just make up my damn mind because indecision was stupid in this case, and I was wrong. We went back and forth, at first I thought I would eventually reach common ground with them in some way, but it seems that I was wrong in that regard if nothing else. It became mean, as if it wasn't already, and hurtful, and personal. Even as I realized that this person was hurt and angry, that they were not in a position to be able to comprehend my situation because all they could do was provide cruel judgement, I felt guilty. I felt disgusting. It didn't matter how obviously close-minded they were, it still hurt to read their words, it still hurt to know I couldn't help them. And so I ended the conversation and closed myself off for the next three months. The things we do for guilt.

I demanded of myself that I stop feeling anything for Harry, that I limit our time together to just work. That person said that spending any time with him whatsoever was cheating but I could at least reason for myself that they were misguided in this. I am allowed to have friends and co-workers, so I am allowed to have a fellow classmate. I know Harry was confused and upset, I could see it in his eyes when we met for class work. I was avoiding him without explaining anything. I don't know if he thought that Ronald was making me step away from him, but either way he didn't say anything. I tried and tried with our couples' therapy, as much as I was surprised that Ronald would go for it. I think it helped, in some ways at least. We're starting to communicate better if nothing else. Though, it isn't going to fix the real issue. I don't love Ronald romantically anymore, it just isn't inside me.

Then I had another meeting with Sasha where I just let go. I told her what I'd done and how the conversation had gone with that distant person. I think that for the first time, I allowed myself to see the compassion in her eyes, the understanding. It has always been there, but I was focusing so strongly on her words, on taking notes, on reading the books she suggested, that I missed the human connection. She's my therapist and has her lines, but she's still a person and if nothing else she can feel sympathy. She didn't tell me what to do with those feelings. She simply said to consider how the person's words made me feel, how it changed my life, and if it was for the better or the worse. Well that was rather obvious, I've been a guilty wreck since. I went home that night and I think I honestly reconsidered it all properly. It's okay to be confused, situations like these are simply confusing and difficult. It is okay to feel guilt, guilt is natural for us to feel when we think we've done something wrong. It's alright to screw up with a marriage because frankly, most people do. It comes with the inherent flaws within humanity. That person's opinion was valid, but that doesn't mean it was right for my situation, for me.

I think that yesterday's lunch was the first time I smiled at Harry in months. The poor thing nearly cried when I sat down at his table. Granted, I did start crying, so he might have and I just missed it. Yeah, I can be stupid sometimes, I'm aware. We'd been having lunch together every day, and all at once I just started avoiding him. We'd laughed and talked like we always had, and all of a sudden I'd begun ignoring him. Basically I let that person's judgement, that person's anger, make me an unhappy person. Well, that's over now because I don't think I can let myself hate how i feel anymore, i just have to actually do something about it. Uncertainty is normal, that's what happens when we are in difficult situations. It's always easier for someone on the outside to judge, always. Because they aren't emotionally invested in the situation.

On the bright side, I now have internet access to literal databases of books that I can search for information. If they ever make it easier to read books than libraries and having them shipped to you, I'm going to have a problem.

At least I'm writing again. It feels, better, to put it down on paper. I can learn, I can heal, and I can grow even against my own will. Those green eyes though; seeing them light up with his smile was honestly the best reward for getting my head out of my arse that I could have hoped for.

For now,

Friendship, bravery, and love.


End file.
